Umm, yeah, 5 years...

Wow, I just found this blog after it being 5 years since my last post. WTF! Well, like many things I vow to do and end up abandoning as soon as I start, I'm going to start blogging again. I'll probably be blogging about stuff that no one is reading, but at least I'm writing damn it! So here it is, 5 years later, a post...

Have you ever wondered if you weren't good enough at something you really wanted to be? If you have never felt this way then you suck big time because that means your path to what you wanted was straight and easy. Again, you suck! If you are like me and are wrought with insecurity then at least that gives me some comfort, maybe, but there is no joy in celebrating the negative.

Today I got to go to a Q&A with writer Diablo Cody after seeing her awesome movie "Young Adult." I absolutely loved it and it gave me some hope and some doubt. Like, "How in the world can I write that well?!" (doubt) and also "If she can do it, so can I!" How did I get to be so insecure, or more importantly, why haven't I grown to be more secure since the last post.

I've had a very few interesting years in these past 5 years. It's been a blur and now I feel like I can breathe again. I've been working non stop on a pretty popular reality tv show and it's not until recently that I've decided to hunker down and claim my life again. I've missed out on a lot. I've forgotten about certain dreams, i.e. writing. I've neglected relationships. I've neglected myself. I've forgotten myself and forgotten my voice and so that's why I feel so far from it. I don't know how to express myself without looking weak. I guess I shouldn't be afraid to be weak. It's only human. I wonder if this is at all interesting or entertaining for someone who is not me to read this. I mean, I think one of the main purposes of blogs is to be entertaining, am I right? Oh well, F*** that, there is no rule book on what blogs are supposed to be. Although I'm sure this long dribble is kind of boring to read.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. I have a problem expressing myself. I have a problem being who I want to be. I had been in therapy this year for the first time and it has been life changing. However, what sucks is that my therapist died a few weeks ago leaving me feel confused a little bit. It's like when I come across an issue I think, I wonder what my therapy group and therapist would say about this and then I have to remember, oh she died, that super sucks. So now I just have to rely on what I think they would say to me. I think my therapist would be really happy to know I'm expressing myself right now. I really, really hope I keep this up.

The Melting Bear Candle

The melting bear candle

The candle I’m burning is from almost 7 years ago. It’s a bear dressed as a witch that I got in the month of October while working at Claire’s accessories. The bear’s head glows because his witch hat has pretty much melted away and the wick is right behind his eyes. You can see that the color of his face is a light tan as the candlelight flickers from behind his face. As the candle burns longer, the brighter his face gets. I wonder if the candle burns all the way down to his stomach, will his stomach also flicker with candle light behind it? The expression on his face isn’t that of a happy Halloween bear and his eyes look to my left, his right, as if he’s looking away from me, wondering why in the world I lit him on fire. I have the urge to turn him to where his eyes directly face mine, like if I make him look at me he’ll tell me how he really feels. I turn him and now he looks really angry and that makes me feel bad. The light is getting brighter as it burns and I really want to blow it out before I can’t see that expression on his face anymore. After I blow out the candle, the flickering light is gone and makes his eyes stop looking right, my left. He looks almost relieved. Maybe he’ll make it another 7 years.

4 Things In The Room I Write in

We were asked to go into detail about 4 things in our room.

Four Things in my room


Chinese Paper laterns: They are pink and orange and green and pretty. Butterfly prints on the bottom, tassels, painted flower like symbols on the side. They seem like they could be cheap, but they are absolutely sweet. I think they are one of the best additions to my room, one of the best decisions I ever went with. They make my room different from others, they make my room special. They express my Asian side, they symbolize how I want to be delicate, beautiful, special, yet simple and something someone can’t live without.


Tsunami closet: Ah, it’s overwhelming. Things just spilling out, no rhyme or reason. too much work to deal with and the fact that it’ll be the same way in a day or two just makes it unnecessary to deal with. I have too many clothes but at the same time I don’t think I look good in any of it. Most of the clothes are on the floor and my poor closet looks raped. I hope that one day I’ll have a closet that likes to be my closet. I think this one hates me.


Pink Rose: I feel it symbolizes a change. It represents a relationship that is special and different from everyone else’s. This pink rose means a lot to me, more than a dozen red ones. Pink is my favorite color, and this rose is going to stay forever pink. I think it symbolizes a turning point in my relationship with Jared. It shows that we’ve changed, but we’re moving on together. It symbolizes hope for the future and struggles that we’ve overcome.


Diet Soda Cans: Diet soda, my drug. The substitute for “the real thing.” It keeps me in check, at bay, the calories off of me. They still leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The new splenda diet coke has a yellow stipe that makes it say “I am wonderful” and I agree. The Fresca can almost goes with my room, it’s a new design, hip and cool. Some of the cans are empty, some half full. The half full ones are a waste, I almost feel sorry for them for the minute they stopped being ice cold I stopped wanting to drink them. They are like those poor penguins who lose out to the cold.

The Room Where I Write

So I've been taking this online writing class through SMC and it's been lots of fun. The exercise for Lesson 2 was on description and detail and we had to write about the rooms we write in, so here's what i wrote.

The Room Where I write

Yuck, it’s my bedroom. Not the best place to write in, you know, to create AND sleep in. It’s almost a juxtaposition. I have pink everything in this room. It just screams girly, but it’s also really hip too I think. I like to think that I’m the same, girly and hip and sometimes when I show my room to people I hope deep down inside that they think it‘s the most hip room they‘ve ever seen, at least hip done on a budget. I’ve strung up clear Christmas lights from my ceiling and hung up cute Chinese paper laterns along side it. Even though they are laterns they don’t have lights inside them but since they are strung up with the Christmas lights I think it makes up for it. My boyfriend is afraid they’ll catch on fire if my Christmas lights get too hot, but I laugh when he says that because they are lanterns, aren’t they suppose to have a hot light near them? I hope so.

Hanging from my curtain rod is the pink rose Jared gave me for Valentine’s day last week. I realized that I like pink roses much better because when they dry they remain pink unlike red roses that go black when they dry. For red roses to go black it’s like symbolizing love dying, but if they remain pink it’s like they continue on declaring love. My room is a mess and always has been. There’s diet soda cans every where and clothes, clean and not clean on the floor. My closet spills out clothes, almost like a bay trying to hold back a tsunami. I have too many purses. All of them which I like. Purses are like good friends, they go with everything even if you can’t fit into your jeans. I’m very proud of my room. I think it truly explains who I am, someone who has amazing potential but is still a mess.

The Laterns and Christmas lights

The Tsumnami of clothes

The plethora of purses

Diet Soda Cans

The Pink Rose

Map Reading Skills

Too Funny! For all the lonely girlfriends out there!!! hahahah.

All Things Seemingly Perfect

Well this is an interesting post becuase I'm basically blogging about a blog. I just want to bring attention to the blog that inspires me everyday to try to be cute, creative, and most dangerously, a consumer! I'm talking about www.ljcfyi.com. It's a girl's blog who basically talks about everything amazing but excludes all things bad. Her daily topics can include her cute pug, her various garden and cooking products, or the next adorable product that young adult women (who are kids at heart) want! I don't know how this girl does it, there's got to be something wrong with her for her to have this much energy to do all this stuff and work and do more stuff after work!!! I can barely find the time to sleep!!! God Bless her!!

Me and The Happiest Place On Earth

Oh Disneyland, the mere mention of the place sends fits of joy fluttering through my heart and mind. Growing up in Southern California, I've been lucky enough to live near this legend, being that it is only about 45 minutes away. I don't think I can ever tire of Disneyland or grow bored with it because no matter what happens in my life, Disneyland can always be a refuge.

I've never really had a horrible experience at Disneyland at all. I think being an imaginative person I've grown to deeply appreciate it and Walt Disney's goals for the park.

Now that I'm and adult I feel like I'm in a better position to enjoy the park, because I actually have some money, and it does take money to go here. But this is the very first time for me to be an annual pass holder, something I should have done years ago! There are different levels to the Disneyland annual passes. There's the ultimate, ultimate pass that lets you in everyday of the park, but costs almost $400 and then there's the one I have which is the Southern California Resident Annual pass. With this pass I can enjoy Disneyland on Sundays and Weekdays, but not on Saturdays, major holidays and the whole month of July, hahah. It's also great though because the block out days are the ones I'd want to avoid-that's when the park is the most over crowded.

Here are a few highlights about the park that I love: My most ultimate favorite ride is Space Mountain ofcourse. I think it's the fastest ride at the park and the most fun. I'll also never tire of Pirate's of the Carribean, The Haunted Mansion, The Matterhorn, Bg Thunder Mountain Railroad, and Small World. My favorite Non-ride attractions are the Disney Gallery on top of the Pirate's of the Carribean, the shops, going on the train when I'm too tired to walk, the park during the winter holidays, taking the monorail, and The Tiki Tiki Room because it reminds me of my parents.

If you ever want to remember what it's like to be a kid again, i recommend you go here. And it you're not a kid anymore, watch out for those strollers, they can get really annoying!

Here's some pics from Jared and I's last trip. I'll put up more when we go next time!














Me and Jared in front of the Matterhorn





















A pretty tree in Downtown Disney















Jared and the Castle

Good Bye San Francisco

So this is a hella old post from almost 2 months ago. Since then I've been back in LA and it's like I haven't stopped hitting the pavement. I missed blogging so now it'll hopefully be about my LA adventures, my hometown, the place where my heart is. So I guess this is my official goodbye to my month in Frisco (supposedly they don't call it that in SF.) Auf Weidersehen.

Journal 10/26/05

Hello all. Well right now I am riding in a car through the streets of San Francisco. Let me tell you, the more I go around these places the more I fall in love with it. It almost seems like the perfect combination of NY and LA. Tall buildings, small spaces, history right up next up to modern. Sure it can have the NY attitude at times, but it also has a real California beauty. It might not have the LA weather but it’s soul has a lot of warmth. There’s one thing you can say about the people of San Francisco, they have passion, they are not afraid to fight for what they believe in.


Alcatraz


The Famous Sourdough Boudin Bakery


Boudin Bakery Clam Chowder in a bowl


Crabs at Fishermans' Warf


Cute Oakville Grocery Store


Ghiradelli Square


Ghiradelli Sundae


Yum


Me at Fisherman's Warf. I look really tired and sad. My Last day in San Francisco=(

Sorry, I haven't blogged ya'll

Ahhh, I knew this was gonna happen, but this time it's not based on my Laziness. I wish I had more to blog about, but I'm usually stuck in some building, listening to people talk crap about each other on a headset. So if you think it's laziness, all i have to say is: 18 Hour work days!

=) I love you all!!

Karen

Homesickness, Dang you!!!

It's not easy being alone when you grow up with more than 4 people in your house at all times=) Homesickness is the worst at night, I don't know why, but it's keeping me up=( I can't wait till this place feels like an old shoe, but probably at that time it'll be time to go home, hmm . . . Missing LA